Kleinburd Dissection Similar To Hemitransfixion

Kleinburd Dissection Similar To Hemitransfixion

ALLENTOWN, Pa. (Oct. 13) - One bad squad sank Mike Kleinburd, the self-proclaimed leader of the University of Delaware bowling team, at the Pennsylvania Classic. And for just the seventh time in his career, he failed to place higher than teammates Josh Brooks and Scott Davis in individual all-events.

Both Brooks and Davis demonstrated harsh criticism toward Kleinburd's performance on Sunday, and their cruel dissection of his game has been compared to hemitransfixion, an incision through the vestibular skin on one side of the membranous septum which is often performed during rhinoplasty operations.

Kleinburd settled for a 28th-place finish, just one spot behind Davis. "He had a huge lead, but then he just sucked," said teammate Jay Iannucci who added, "His Sunday bowling performance brought the whole team down."

"Yo, I am still the best guy on the team and they got lucky you know? Adriaaaaaaaaaaan!" rebutted Kleinburd.

It has been rumored that Kleinburd has ice water flowing through his veins which assists him in performing under intense pressure. In a recent interview, Dr. Karl Leitzig of Temple University Medical Center declared this an impossibility. "No one could sustain life under those circumstances." Supporting evidence was provided by former team member Donald Pyle who stated, "Mike is terrible under pressure. Unless ice water makes you a choke artist, I doubt there's any truth to the rumor."

Not even a recitation of a Shema Yisrael excerpt ("Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai Elohaynu Adonai Echad.") or his alleged circulation of ice water could bring respectability to Kleinburd's Sunday performance.